i need this to be real
i need you
i need you to feel this.
so i looked for you there
in your swastika love.
i did not find you.
i did not think that you would find me
so farfetched this time.
i guess that's it.
i didn't think.
(so subtley drop my kisses
on your ill-recieved head.)
ii.
why's it always got to be
so goddamn cold
why at one am i'm still alone
it's not enough to breathe if you're
not there to inhale
each month is like a second to the
brain without oxygen
don't forget
don't you dare forget
if you don't remember
then it may as well have never happened.
iii.
in my glory days
i was not half as tall as you
in rags
i was not remembered
in plain sight
but nobody saw
these discrepencies are slight
compared to the passing
of two empires ago
in terms -
it came undone
no shaking of the fist will bring it back
it was the last wor(l)d he said
before they brought him down
iv.
in my glory days
i was not half as tall as you
in rags
i was not remembered
in plain sight
but nobody saw
these discrepencies are slight
compared to the passing
of two empires ago
in terms -
it came undone
no shaking of the fist will bring it back
it was the last wor(l)d he said
before they brought him down
v.
it's not that easy
or so you though
motherfuckers
i can't say i'm terribly impressed
how much would it cost
to close your eyes
and say your final words
"i love you"
would be the last words
i would breathe
vi.
they picked me up
bloody
at one in the morning
thank god they didn't notice what i did
i wish you could have seen me when i did it
i guess someday you'll catch me in the act
i hope you fucking cry
vii.
i'm sorry
i've gone crazy too many times to expect you to stay
i'm wearing your shirt to protect me in this
viii.
the day after is the hardest part to deal with
an aching hollowness that replaces me in whole
i fell hard
only to move with corpse-like precision
i don't know how to glue myself back together
waiting for another damn distraction
to make me feel whole again
ix.
so sorry for the things i said
i didn't mean to break your head
this scar transferance isn't new
as long as i seem whole to you
broken promise
empty threat
i guess we never should have met
x.
kill pattern
on-off
it's enough to make me suicide
slipping past the cracks in someone's opened hands
i have more places to go than you have places to run
either way what's another night going to do
they can find me - i won't let them turn me into another statistic
days and days go on
i can't believe this is real
rotting away
this is not what i thought would happen
days in and days out
come fast come slow
no amount can bring it back to this
we're fading fast here
it's not just enough to be alive
days come fast
come nothing at all
xi.
simplify seven out of seven
sheltered -
if i listen carefully, they whisper in my ear
refuse to go quietly i
i try to ignore them, but they won't be silent
picture perfect in it's own zone, but
the burning question - who invented zero?
don't trust the radio
the gods are stalking you
xii.
these days i'm not too sure
i'm not feeling much of anything
it's warm out now -
i can't deal with this season's change
everything i thought - isn't
for blur-eyed precisions of the
day-old transference
from this to that
i don't care anymore
i'm hiding in not caring
the idol is broken
the world may as well have split in two
for all (you?) care (?)
(i'm not too sure
the pen inscribes as much
it's hard to read - )
your indifference is blinding
the glamour fades quick and blink
(thought transference? -
i can't feel you anymore
i - can't be felt anymore)
damn
xiii.
finds me on tranquilizers
finds me on friday
found me to fourteen
frowned on and scorned at
scrawled on and fray-edged
the tapestry mayhem
unfolded distorted
the mannikan storage
unspoken abortion
decision malignant
xiv.
and days go by
i - don't feel particulary human
i know i feel differently for you
than i used to
i can't say anything
i can't let on what's real to me -
youre not
you don't exist for me
i'm sorry
i wish it wasn't this way but -
i don't have the humanity to keep this up
i don't have the humanity to care about you anymore
i'm sorry but -
i'm sorry
xv.
the beginning of the end
was when i found you face to face with the ground
you said you couldn't go on
well i won't go on without you
i wouldn't want to forget the way you laugh
and you laughed when i said that i won't let you go alone
but you stopped when you saw my face
the beginning of the end was the day the world stood still
the day the world still was the day i died alone
the day i died alone was the day you left
and nothing was ever the same again
xvi.
this is for when hating you was fashionable
back when spelling mattered
and i had a reason
now no interest holds me to pay attention to what you say
can make me care or hold you back in high esteem
i'm sick of being surrounded
by people who don't know what the hell is going on
i promised myself a long time ago that i
would not stay where i did not want to be
so don't look at me that way when i want to leave
i'll leave no matter what looks i get
it's your own fault if you don't get it
there's no reason to put up with all this misunderstanding
you knew i was like this when you first started to love me
fuck you
xvii.
this is a study in monochrome
this is suicide in technicolour
this is telling you face to face in a lose/lose situation
and this is how i dealt with it
and this is how i kept myself alive
so i ask for your understanding
and the guidance of your hands
to lead me unbroken past the comfort that your grace lends me
the solace you bring in the scratching of my neck
and the taslisman of your shirts
this is the fifth morning
and you came back
you came back like a long forgotten colour
i'd forgot
and i woke up to you after a foggy three months
of drug-induced stupor
the closure of three dead birds in three days
i remember
and i remember
i remember
xviii.
so sick and tired
of lying and dying
and constantly losing
so just turn to using
it's faster to fall
than to not fall at all
than to reach for your hand
or to not understand
xix.
and here i am left mubling
the silhouette tranquility
a tranquilizer aftertaste
the look of shock left on your face
a bittersweet soliloquey
the gods are mad at you and me
and intercourse that's left unsaid
that left him dry / left me unfed
addictions feed and swallow whole
who gets the shot - i botched the role
the calloused burn the fading scar
i didn't think we'd get this far
i didn't think the change would come
now look we're fucked it's just begun
xx.
suicide
this is how it feels unleashed
in an autumn place
the ghost of things to come
fall
the eye of the storm
i need a shot
xxi.
the institute
the day i was no longer crazy
murder-suicide at three in the morning
no known history of violence
he apparently slashed her throat
with a kitchen knife
still obsessing -
integration, insanity,
a dream sequence treatment?
there's no such thing
without your childlike grace
i may as well jump
xxii.
impressionism:
is when i first loved or thought i loved you
and i thought that we could make it and i was wrong
is when i turned my head to look at you
and you were already halfway down the street
and i had faith that everything would be okay
now i'm tired with the promise of better days
passing far and farther out of sight
and i can't not let you go
and i can't let you in because you don't understand
when i thought that things would stay together
but i was so obviously wrong you could have
told me i was wrong
is when i was more than delusional
is when you reached for my hand
is when you let go too soon
and i grew old alone
i guess - i just - i don't understand
or can't be understood
is when nights came softer
when i was beside you
xxiii.
neutral shade yellow (fingers)
doth realize the chill
and shatter all in stall
bewitching bat
the frantic dance
maybe - there is a will
another reason left to fill
the puzzle pieces fitting in
the space between a skellington
xxiv.
liquid suicide versus life versus death
perpetual shelter from the storm
infused with consequences
should i obey you or wither away
fast forward
a past life in the desert made me insane
pause
be quiet i keep choking
the winter of my discontent
i want you to see death is an option
that the glamour of escape still exists
the visibility of centuries pass
with the most cold, cruel eyes i remember
and where are you? this is not a past life
schizoid tendancies stay resistant for the non-anorexic
i was afraid to put on your skin
no one else knows why jesus confronts his nazi past
i rest my case
xxv.
ritual skin
whispering - if i can hear you so can they
and just like that the idol fell
and shattered in your image
no longer can i look at you with blinded eyes
having already torn them out of my skin in a rage-by-beauty psychosis
in awe of your paint-by-number glamour
and then something happened
leaving me a calloused by-product of your imagination
sifting through the fragmented pieces of a broken diety
now i shove away cats
i can't accept their graces now that i've lost yours
xxvi.
am i so empty to be without tears
and lost in childlike graces again
no choking of the throat
in finding you
unscathed against a year
all armies built to battle
the breaking down of walls
no rusted armour can protect me now against your going
and the inevitable falling of my head
all reason is gone
go spin your web in someone else's corner
you weren't that great to begin with
i wasn't so smart in the first place
now i must scream
xxvii.
this is me in your passing
so glib with telemarketer precision
as i struggle my way through dispositions and rebuttals
maliciously cheerful, the smile in my voice could be a bite
i wear this new facade like a shark
grinning hollowly at those who ask about you
and pretending i don't care
when it's painstakingly obvious that io do
and i keep thinking that you have the better end of the deal -
you got to escape
you got to leave everything behind
and i'm left in an environment where
everything triggers a memory of you
suffice to say,
it makes dealing with this harder
i have a headache - the tears came in the
shower and i pounded on the walls
i started to clean my room
to get rid of this stimulus
but each tabloid i found, each feather,
each half-finished letter to you
made me cry even more
sidewalk treasures we found last year preserved
in endless shrouds of plastic bags
and articles of your clothing -
all these pieces of you
shatter the resolve i had to be strong
i feel so empty without you
you've been too big a part of my life to let you go so easy
unaffected by your leaving
and people treat me like a widow
they tell me things like "it will be okay"
and "it's only for a little while - they'll come back"
and put their arms around me
and then say - and i hate this -
"do you think you'll be okay?"
well, what the fuck do you think, asshole?
(i didn't say that - i just nod
there's so much i wish i could have said before you left
everything just hurts so much
you leaving has left a deeper wound than i have ever inflicted on myself
it's going to be a hell of a while before i can figure out
how to heal myself and i can finally feel whole again
xxviii.
days pass - walls cushion the aforementioned shock
and sends me back into a sixty-two dollar addiction
nnow picking up the pieces of the old world and
trying to shift it into something new
calm fluidity graces my veins,
the feeling that i could go against the world
and stand against anything -
i'm healing myself through music
so i'll grow so strong that my blood will turn to jello
and i will bleed for the masses - "come drink at my feet
and recieve my graces"
this is the eye of the storm
this is the calm fluidity of my innards
staying where they're supposed to be staying -
my insides and not scrawled across some dirty sheet
if i can get through this
then i guess i'm halfway there to becoming something great
xxix.
i am without a child -
once we laid down together
and i held you at my breast -
my comforts are now lost to you,
all grown up,
you laid your head against me and
i stroked your hair
i could see you as a child
and i felt you, childlike,
on my shoulder -
brown boy, i took care of you until you fixed your broken wings
and you didn't need to depend on me anymore, you flew away
xxx.
these are the last pieces of october
and the tattered remains of
when feathers turned to leaves
fragmented in purple and the whisper of your coat
so feed from my breast and take from my veins
all perfection lies in the rustle of my skirts
and read between my scars -
your plan lies there
drink from me
milk blood for the malcontent
xxxi.
this doesn't feel natural
hygenic regression in not bathing, not brushing, not caring
and sinking deeper into this chasm of yours
as long as i don't think
i'll be okay
no remembering
no feeling
and not caring -
the way that things are shaping up
i think i'd be better off dead or incommunicado
with this entire fascist organization
xxxii.
scatter - the skies are falling forward
and aiming for your deadened brow
split open synchronisity
spreads open and shuts down our communication -
destroyed and nobody knows
soft cell lunatics are clambouring for your graces
and no one sees the rook slide into place
and the lock fall shut -
how the hell did i escape?
pressure fossilizing on my ears,
all drunks are heathens and i'm abhorred
get her out - get her out of this
let me go - the steady throb is overwhelming
send her away
it's a perfect night for an ex-communication
xxxiii.
i remember the days leading up to
and coming down from your passing as through
a fog it pulls at the back of my head
reminging me that something's off
this quiet desperation is too much,
this anger draws me too quick and lets me know
that nothing will be the again once you return
my glory days are done and gone
there's no hope left
it's been too long
get me out - get me out of this
put me back to when i felt whole -
extract this nothingness from me.
it burns, trapped - get me out of this
i am - too envelopped to breathe
there's no way to purify what's already been lost
too much nothingness -
another fucking overdose to make me feel whole again
i can't see straight, i can't think right
there is nothing inside of me,
just one fucking hole
i'm too old for this
cut the thread and let me go
xxxiv.
something has to change
pick up and run away
cut my hair and change my name
slip into someone who's bones don't ache
these memories all feel the same -
i forget and then i remember again
to fall back down and cut the vein
i'd kill myself to come back sane
i'd die to bring it back the same
xxxv.
i thought i could make it
i felt like i could make it
i was wrong
inside if just a hollow ache
to compensate i grow callous
and lash out -
i don't know how else to deal with this
too much feedback
echoes through me
and clones me back into
what i swore was over
and would never happen again
seems to be happening again
a simple fix -
just open a little
and spill a little red
where they'll least expect it
they will never look
with blinding eyes again or turn away
after the red comes down
and stains in the most inocuous places
xxxvi.
i'm so tired
i seek asylum
will no one hold me now -
into the jaws of a less likely delusion
i am overdrawn and may be something
to someone, experiment,
or just another person who plays chess
the slight pressure of this headset sends me spiralling -
it's all the little aches that build up to one big hurt
not easily adjustable
i am not the same decoy
you sent once into battle
it's not for you anymore
that soul is dead
xxxvii.
something's building up
the sky is falling
all water is drying up
this is my plague
this is what i bestow to you -
may colours fall from the skies
and stars strike you on your head
e.coli is watching you
i am naked beneath my dress
i have no remorse
worse things have happened
five months of my blood sweat and tears
that could never be uncreated
xxxviii.
dead orange cat - the visionary replacement
of my dead pigeon
these things have a way of working themselves around
idols shift - this is not the same son as before
some say i'm jesus - o mr indian doctor, what
the hell would you say to that -
that they're sick and i'm not?
i came back, i left
and am now in the process of growing into a higher deity
i will bleed jello for the masses
and wear flowers -
the sun will shine from my smile
and my kaleidescope aura will emanate warmth -
and even to strangers, five minutes in my presence
will feel like a lifetime of love
xxxix.
and this, in suicide, your graces
surpassed any and all which you once held in life
left outstretched in your now skeletal hands
for those you left behind to drink at
even in life, they could never shine the way you do in death
every word they try to speak
is a mockery of the way you once talked
and what you wrote -
in suicide, your graces still surpass
the ones you held in life
xl.
molten words over a hollow tongue
spill, scorching, past the illusion of a shark-like grin
and all bared teeth
so you would bite your nails in vain against this reoccuring dream
and make no sense of it -
bring forth the perturbing manner in which you accept the inevitable
and how you deal with it
this is more than just a head game
this is a raw, unadulterated lose - lose situation
and there is a leak in my veins
xli.
bees laze gracefully
in furrows folded - a snap
between dimensions
and i shed
i spill a hair across the page
as easily as i drown deep
no contacts, no idle-minded requiem
or pollenated free-style prose
this is a smothering world
and now i must drink
xlii.
no conversion could possible strip you down
this hard, bare and smooth against
the palm of my hand, left outstretched
in protest against these ill-fated tidings -
grief runs like water and spills past
my fingers, trying to sift something
salvageable from the ashes of a
depleted personality -
once i held you at my breast
and breathed the same in sleep as you -
now it all runs cold
and as deadended as the track marks
you have slowly harvested
within my skull -
i am the product of your addiction
and there is no turning back
xliii.
i couldn't see - not in or about or above but between
the gaps in your breath
the spaces i could never crawl between -
i was too big
but now - i stand small beneath the cause
of your effect
you told me not to
i don't know how to unfold my bones
from sticking when i turn inward
against the outward blows
i couldn't see
i couldn't make any sense of you
and the miles you took home with you
like you deliberately put them in front of me
behind you
xliv.
i nurse at my coffee
as though it were a muse
sliding gossamar down, down
my throat
and hatching in my belly
like it was so easy to have wings -
i could have breathed underwater
i could have aborted in the second trimester
if not for the cracks that align
the back of my skull
i could have had good enough reason -
instead i am pure, premediated madness
and chaos is my middle name
xlv.
silent for seventeen years -
i created a monster that ate shopping carts and dentists -
i was seven
that was when i was good at school
and free of all psychosis
that would, in years,
become the sole functioning equations of my life
is that what you would have me believe -
that i'm not free
and all your excess baggage left in me -
that i would not forget this easily
and have it knock me down again -
is there to be no comfort found
1997 was my hospital year
once i was seven
and had no idea that in thirteen years
the shit would hit the fan and i'd fall mute
xlvi.
clear pad, fluid and the netherworld infusion
sun inspectrum, drug-dealer mysteriem
and underfoot saliva constellations
on the tracks, side-stepping rails and marching
in the piercing brigade
there's been a 75% increase in family-oriented violence
mildly aimed and executed
against the keepers of the bees
and hit us low -
faces for you
and an innerworld analysis for me
xlvii.
yesterday i saw a tree -
when i left the house the only thing out of the ordinary
were two guys digging a hole in the grass by the street
in front of my house
when i came back the street was blocked off
and my house was surrounded by thirty feet
of yellow caution tape
and the sawdust ashes of a freshly amputated tree
which once stood in front of the lawn
of our home for decaded upon double decades,
ages, minutes, moments
and more seconds than you could shake a stick at ago,
no longer to catch telephone wires in its leaves
in the summer and with hang branches heavy with ice in the winter -
an unknown assailant on a hidden agenda decided
that if it looks like a tree
and acts like a tree
and no one can tell that it's dead -
let's cut it down
xlviii.
something foreign, almost obscene
a whisper, pause, and tracers in the morning
set motion senses off
a whisper, a pause,
and the step of a stair -
charles manson and his family
are in every dark cobwebby corner
i pass by at night
and i run,
certain of long, bony fingers
reaching out like the wind
for my ankles -
sure, it was cute when i was five
and afraid of witches
but they call it mental illness when
you believe in this stuff at twenty?
how can i make anyone besides you
believe that i'm really going on four?
xlix.
electrical impulses on science-fiction entendrees
salavic constipation -
sand on my tongue
and a larnyx stood muted
tedium, tedious, and emotions run like Similac
dribbling at the edges and impossible to take seriously
with or without salt -
have you been using, my dear?
this is my view of you
sleekly boned and playing chess on a blown-glass set
seven finger hand cat black
the situation hasn't changed, has it
docile again in a drug dealer den
and i am the only girl among men
l.
hollow, disproportioned
silent in graves and a vision in marble
imprinted on my forehead, the back of my neck,
against arms and a war against you
feeling, unfeeling, and feeding on rage -
you could have, you should have, you didn't
die, die against me
slide finger slender curled up in my palm
and squeeze back warmth -
things have been too cold since you went away
(please come back)
li.
underneath the tree locale
of a secret colony expanded -
gravel-grounded graffitti
a marilyn monroe explosion
cool steel tongues
speaking the dreaming and un-conveying my thinking
people are patterns and people get stuck on things
prescription pill-sniffing
no pretention in non-chalence
this is a non-work environment
shift-click you know he's not
such a bad fellow after all
lii.
i don't know what to write
poems pass in through and out
standing here to make sure time continues
in an orderly fashion
and my boot stays tied
i need my drugs
i need you to know
i can't stand here forever
in the shadow of your tree
i need to go
liii.
summer aging gracefully
into full-blown fall
come scoliotic winter
this is the third passing of the sort
slowly shifting into another season
so subtle
until it hits you in the face like a brick -
it's getting colder
until it hits you in the face like a brick -
on with their lives after a two month hiatus -
i thought you'd be here with me to see the change again
but i'm holding my breath so i can talk to you again
these late-night virgils are growing hard to attend
this is one hell of a job
trying to get it straight
and standing tall in limbo
and not giving in to my pulsating skin
(get me out get me out of this
get me out - )
liv.
why are people so loud?
why why why why why
this overbearing cacophony around me!
makes me - quieter in comparison
i'm too tired to come back like this again
i've come back too far for it to seem unnatural anymore -
let me sleep
lv.
you left me a madwoman
when you came back i stood strong
hardened by hiatus
lvi.
really i'm not too sure what to think
sickened i'm sickened
ridiculous
and harsh-toned ankles pushed wrought-iron
vices advises that my violence
as a door blown open
by the onset of invisible hands
flown strong past to gather across oceans
and figureheads in one force flew
and slammed me shut
dirt build-up below steel
and the uncertainty of colour
shock systems - each unclaimed whisper
and the random movement of objects
stops me short -
when voices call i'm never sure
what's real and what's not
and newspapers misplace themselves
so really, what is this anyway?
another sleep battle where purple features predominantly?
what's my head trying to tell me anyway and
when the hell will i find out?
o post-traumatic teapot
lvii.
making fall matter
back in the graveyard by the fountain of frogs
people come by more from after all again
marks the end but i'm going to make fall matter
i'm already rejoicing under the night sky
and can opener mystique?
solidified street jam?
or into the gaping jaws of a bitter wife?
lviii.
makes me feel less diseased
well what am i supposed to be
a different sky a different tree
a million different parts of you
all mixed in me i think it's true
there's just as much of me in you
that winds conspire blowing low
then rushing high and back below
across all lines of telephone
lix.
not yesterday but today
now tomorrow comes to stay
she gave me this
a cross a kiss
and then became the crucifix
the stolen whisper from a crowd
to retreat back in uteral shroud
the membrane veil, clouded caul
a muted throat makes me stand small
lx.
tears, fledglings
and the half-hidden whisper of old-uttered anthems
passed on and brought back and found
from the tail end on inside out
twisted, turned and toppled forth
anew, afresh, but with the faintest feel os something -
not right and misplaced in someone else -
i can't put my finger on it
feeling shamed about pressing sandalwood on foreign wrists
you have to breathe differently
you change your relationship with your clothes
a pause, a lull,
a sudden grimace
when the lights pull down
i twitch a bit
lxi.
pick your nails clean of me
and tell me why it's got to be
this way this time this turn around
i've been sucked dry you drank me drown
but when i slip into this chair
i know you'll always beat me there
i think i'll be the first to know
when you decide to let me go
and throw me back into the wind
so this is how it all begins
lxii.
what poetry have you expected to come forth from me?
as if my tongue could paint a picture so vivid -
to not have lacked colours in my salivary glands
and to spring forth as dew -
is this how you would see this and interpret all lunar reflections,
hard jawed to the steel toed,
picked and fingered from the rest in some subordinate blaze -
this is not just some five finger passion
and it takes more than corpses these days to get me off
lxiii.
not all my poems are about you anymore
and i do not make things just for you
and i think of him and see the sky but i remember
and i have not forsaken you you're still
a prescence in my veins
lxv.
it's all building up, you know
and they can hear it in the street
tension trickles like air -
it's not as fun as you'd think,
always being the recipient of their scrutiny,
but what can i say?
i do not want to be made an example of
it's not so textbook obvious
too subtle, too abstract,
and too tempermental for my own damn good
lxvi.
the angry glare of an indisposed universe
fly like flowers and reign over me -
make me something worthwhile in your eyes
so i can stand tall by myself among everyone in this crowd
who is hep to the beat of a foreign monarchy
and all the promised they hold
just a little bit beyond you only to
come crash down and crack
to be no longer touched or mentioned
beyond this point -
like it didn't happen
and like what you said never happened
taking back your words does not make it forgotten
i can remember every breath, every whisper
and every sigh you sighed against me
and under my skin
lxvii.
and here i am left mubling
the silhouette tranquility
a tranquilizer aftertaste
the look of shock left on your face
a bittersweet soliloquey
the gods are mad at you and me
and intercourse that's left unsaid
that left him dry / left me unfed
addictions feed and swallow whole
who gets the shot - i botched the role
the calloused burn the fading scar
i didn't think we'd get this far
i didn't think the change would come
now look we're fucked it's just begun
lxviii.
smoking kills
but so does love
fucking wankers
boys are dumb
war is stupid
fucking guns
smoking kills
but so does love
nothing could stop us
something did
the fucking things
i've put up with
i am broken
you are dumb
smoking kills
and so does love
lxix.
shit damn motherfuck
is it just me or does everything suck
i used to be happy but now i'm not
i'm ready for electroshock
lxx.
wild, withered
cold fingers pressed against
this paint-swept sky
as dead as i was at four
wild winged and all
sweet bumblebee
a lick of the eye and
she's deformed
of a dandelion possessed
and born of the trees
i do not breathe
i do not breathe
you've brought me back
wasted of skin and rings
and smelling strange
no more to lean out
far enough to fly
without them watch, watch, watching
me as as i look for you
